Trust
by bobbiep107
Summary: This follows the episode Gambler's Fallacy. Amanda Rollins is at her lowest point and must somehow try to repair her relationships with her co-workers and gain their trust. Can she salvage her job, her friendships, her life? Warning: Contains mild language & sexual assault Please share feedback, especially positive criticism. Only way to improve is to know what needs improving! TY
1. Trust

**Note - I do not have or own the rights to any Law & Order SVU content, characters or stories.**

She had lost the trust of the few people that were in her life, as close to a family as she had. That fire inside that drove her to give in to the longing to make just one more bet had won, but now she had lost. She never could get out of her own way. Every time she was heading in the right direction she let that fire consume her. Once again Rollins was ready to run.

She was most devastated about the loss of trust from her partner. He was the closest thing she had to a friend, someone that she could rely on, and had come to need without even being aware of it. The trust she had for him had its limits, but was more than anyone else in her life; Sadly it was not enough to turn to Fin when she was spiraling into her addiction to gambling again, or to let him know of her work with Murphy undercover. Why? What was that thing that kept her from letting even him inside, past the façade she was so successful at putting up? She'd managed to keep everyone out, never letting lovers, her partners, not even her family once she learned they were not worthy, inside. Rollins watched out for Rollins.

Kim was the exception, the one person in her life that she opened her heart too and shared more than with anyone else. Betrayed, the one person she thought would always be with her and yet her own sister was willing to send her to prison for life. She still didn't know whether to laugh or cry at one of the last things her sister said to her, "mama always said you were too big for your britches." In her family having goals, a purpose, ambition (another word Kim had used) was viewed as wrong and disloyal. When you left it was proof of your conceit.

Inside there remained doubt. Despite the destructive life she left behind, was it disloyal she left? If she had stayed would Kim be different? Even now she knew the sacrifice of staying to help Kim would have crushed the last vestiges remaining of her soul. There still existed so much darkness and sorrow from what she couldn't leave behind. Moving away, school, becoming a detective, all helped her build a wall but the darkness was still there.

That darkness contained things she didn't allow herself to think about. When they tried to pry their way into her thoughts that was when the fire roared back to life. That was when she lost her self-control and went back to the adrenaline of the bet. The fire was stronger than that darkness. Even when she was losing the bet, she was blocking the seeping ugliness of memory from overtaking her mind. She watched her dad throw his life away for one brief moment of the thrill of winning. Seeing his life wasn't enough to stop her from following in his footsteps. The thought that she was anything like him was sickening, but she was his apple, a rotten one she supposed, and didn't fall far enough away from his tree. Fire, it was kindling, ready to roar to life.

Returning to work after the devastation of yesterday was one of the most difficult things she had to face in her life. Her instincts said to run. The same way she ran from home, from Atlanta, from trust. However, she couldn't run this time. She would completely lose the one place she loved and where she allowed herself to feel confident. She would also have nowhere to go. She had no one to turn to and nowhere to run this time. Last time her Captain, Sam, found a way out. She sensed it was as much to help her leave behind the poisonous atmosphere after the incident with the Deputy Chief, as it was to move temptation out of his life. She never once regretted moving to New York and SVU, she only wished today was the fresh start of the first time she walked into the building, not this moment of disgrace. She was sincere with Benson that she would work to regain her trust and some semblance of respect, no matter how much she wanted to run and hide instead.

Now was the time to remember, one day at a time. Today would be soul-crushing but she just had to make it through today. As she approached the building she put up her shield, the one that covered the storm inside. She put the face on that displayed strength and self-confidence, yes the façade. She would force herself to do her job and not let the darkness take over. Not this time.

She was early, as she had wanted, easier to be there when the team came in than have to walk in with all heads turning in her direction. She knew that the case of a rapist targeting teen girls was their top priority right now. She might not be in her team's good graces, but she was still a detective and would do her job. As she walked in she grabbed the file to review the case and evidence so far. As always she could feel the horror the victims of the crime must feel. She knew the agony of living through it, the nightmares they were likely feeling. She did this job to stop the evil and to give these victims justice. Something she would never get.

The first to arrive was Olivia. Olivia said nothing as she walked in. She went to her office and only briefly glanced at Rollins. As expected there were no pleasantries. Next was Amaro. In some ways Amaro was the most like her. She knew his life had also been toxic; he was filled with a passion to his job just like her. He even had that same sense of responsibility, the need to protect. It was this clash of his desire to protect her, and her own need to be self-reliant, that had caused the most tension between them. Now she had no right to push back, now she owed him for his defense of her. Murphy had sent her the official report of the undercover operation. In the report he included when Amaro had gone to him and gut-punched him with the warning to "stay away from Rollins". He even included his own parting shot of her being ok "once you got past the fact that she was used".

The truth was excruciating and now Amaro knew what she really was. He walked into the squad room and met her eyes. He didn't hide his emotions as well as Fin or Olivia. She saw the disappointment, but she also saw that need he had to save her. Despite everything, Amaro still wanted to protect her, this time from herself. She recalled the day that she was the bait to catch the rapist her first months in New York. He would have killed the perp if not for Fin. What would he do now to save her from her own demons?

Fin, her partner, her brother, he was that one person that had respected her and rarely pushed for more than she was willing to give, and now she had destroyed it. He handed her that money to help pay her debt, told her stop gambling, and he did it without judgment. Why didn't she tell him what she was doing with Murphy? Why did she allow that insane need for privacy, and an inability to fully trust, ruin the most important relationship in her life today, maybe ever? He looked at her as he walked in, for once his eyes did not hide his emotion. Hurt, pain, disappointment. They were all there in that moment when he looked at her and she was seared to the deepest parts of herself. She could barely contain the tears. The ones she refused to let fall. He was the only one to nod to her, although without the famous Fin smile.

Once they were all in for the day Olivia called them all to her office to discuss the case. Now she regained her focus, shut-down the emotions, and lazered in on the crime. She was partnered with Fin as usual and they were heading to talk to the most recent victim of the serial rapist. She was a 16-year-old high school student, raped in her car after leaving late from her retail job.

In the car Fin was silent, for a while. Finally, he started to talk and unexpectedly he went straight to what had happened in their life and not anything about the case. His first words were haunting, "Amanda, why? Why"? The look in his eyes was even worse, doubt. She saw doubt that was directed at her. She knew everything she worked so hard for was about to slip away. Even Fin wasn't sure she should be a part of the team, his partner.

Wasn't that the question of her life, "why"? She turned to him in the car, and for once, went for honesty and disclosure. "Fin, it was my pride and shame. I didn't want to admit I was undercover because I had fallen so far again. I didn't want to need you to save me. Taking your money was humiliating. But speaking out loud where I was, and how I wound up working undercover in an illegal gambling club, I couldn't look at you and say the words. I have never needed anyone to save me and my pride wouldn't let me turn to you, even as low as things were…are…for me". Inside she was once again on the verge of losing it, finally releasing the pain from every moment in her entire life. Finally allowing herself to lean on another person and trust them. At that exact moment she heard Fin quietly say, "When will you finally learn to trust Amanda"?

He looked at her and said it again, loud enough to be sure she heard it. "Amanda, what happened in your life that you can't trust another person, can't allow me, your partner, to have your back"? Fin was right; he'd only given her reasons to trust him. "Amanda, this isn't going to be easy to forget. If you don't trust me how can we work together? How can we be partners"?

It was that moment, the one where you have to decide if you truly want to change or keep defaulting to the same behaviors that put her $15,000 in debt to criminals, ready to use her body in exchange for silence, and breaking the oath she took at the academy… _I will never betray my badge,  
my integrity, my character. _Did she have the courage? Could she open up to Fin, open up the wall, and grab the final opportunity to fight to keep Fin?


	2. Trusting Fin

It was after work, at a bar…not the one where the entire police department went at the end, a more discreet bar. They were at a place near Fin's house. She asked him for this chance to talk, her attempt to salvage what she could of Fin's faith and belief in her, as a partner and a friend.

She got there first, as planned. She needed at least one drink to drive down the nerves and dull the voice screaming at her to run. She even felt the licks of the flames telling her that one more bet, one more moment of adrenaline, would be so much easier. She fought the urge. She grabbed her cigarettes and lighter and decided that this addiction would not remain a secret. She had to stop hiding everything. Besides, she needed that feel of the first drag, the nicotine as it rushed through her lungs. She knew she had to give this up too. One thing at a time, just like one day at a time, that was the way forward and upward. She hoped that she could rise to meet the road, Murphy had the said he hoped that "the road would rise to meet her"; he had too much confidence in her. She would never understand the risks he took, and the belief he had, in someone ready to degrade herself, give him her body, all for a card. Why had captain Cragen, and now Murphy, a stranger, have such faith?

As she put out the cigarette in the ashtray Fin walked up. He looked at the cigarette, and up at her, but he seemed to accept that for now she needed the crutch. If they ever got their connection back he would be all over her to "knock that off". She could only hope. Fin took her gently by the arm and walked her into the bar.

He asked her what she wanted; a shot of something was all she could say. Alcohol was something she drank, maybe more than she should. However, she never felt that pull to it like she did to gambling. She never allowed it to control her the way it had controlled her mother, her father, and her sister too. Fin ordered them both a shot of some Fin concoction and they drank. He looked at her, she nodded and he ordered another. Finally her nerves were quieting, the fire had been quelled, and her armor was cracking open a bit. Fin ordered them each a beer. It was time.

He said the first words, strange what had passed with so few words. He may not trust her, but the synergy they had was still there. A bit of hope, a sign that not everything was in ruins…yet. "Amanda, you wanted to talk. I want to give you a chance, so I am here. This is in your hands".

Where did she start? Did she start with the present and work backwards? Or did she start at the beginning and work towards now? Her mind was still unfocused. She took a drink. She started somewhere, not the beginning and not the end.

"My first months in GA I only said the minimum I had to. I wanted to stop the descent into debt and the risk of losing my job. I wanted to use the opportunity that you, and Captain Cragan, gave to me and not screw it up. It took months before I could share more than bits, just crumbs, of why I was there. One day I found myself telling them about when I was 6 or 7 and my daddy was teaching me how to play craps out in the yard. It was strange because it is one of the only memories I have with him that I felt pure happiness. He was in a good mood because he'd just won at some gambling place….I guess it was at craps…and he was cheering me on when I rolled the dice. He told me I had a knack with the dice. He even gave me a few dollars afterwards and told me I deserved it since I played so well. I don't know what leads us to become like those around us. Maybe it was my destiny from the moment I was born. Maybe it was having one of my happiest memories revolve around gambling. But as I grew older and the crush of life overwhelmed me, that moment always floated in and gave me a moment of peace. I didn't actually place a real bet until I was at college. It was after my finals, before I had my grades, and I went to the races. I was a broke college student so I maybe had $20. I won and almost had that feeling I'd had with my dad. That was the beginning of this fire that controls my life".

Fin didn't respond at first. He looked at me and I thought I saw sadness, or was it pity? His words assured me it was not pity. "We never know what makes us who we are. However, we all have something that makes us more than that stuff. I know you; I know you have the guts to stop this. It still doesn't tell me how you wound up here, and why you are so sure you can't trust even me?"

This was the heart of the issue. Trust. It always came back to trust. He knew about her sister. But clearly her lack of faith in others came way before that. He wanted, needed to understand. She glanced at her empty glass. He ordered another. She felt the effects of the alcohol, the dulling of senses, the relaxation of her armor even more. Again she went back to where to begin, what to say. Fire, run…but now her body was in a state that the message to run was even quieter and the flames even further away.


	3. Leaving Atlanta

"Fin; do you know why I moved up to New York?" Fin shook his head. He paused, and said, "I'd heard some stuff. I didn't take any of it for anything. I figured when you were ready you'd tell me. I know it wasn't some deep desire to be in this crazy place (finally a bit of smile appeared). But I never pursued it. You know I respect that, I have my stuff too".

"I'd made detective less than a year before I got up here. You met my captain a couple of years ago, Sam, the one that helped me get here. He knew Cragen and basically used his relationship to get me moved". She paused, did she tell him about the close relationship she had with her old Captain, how close they came to crossing that line? She knew this was about trusting Fin. She had to tell him. "Before I tell you why I had to move, I should tell you that Sam and I were very close. He was my mentor; he believed I could be a great detective. We came very close to crossing a line. Not only was he my superior, he was married. Looking back I think he was seduced by something different as his marriage was rocky. I constantly seek validation from others. His belief in me drew me to him. He was that person that could finally fill a hole. But I...we...could not let that happen. I think he felt the same. We never allowed that thing between us to become real".

She paused here and took a drink. She asked if he'd mind if she went out to smoke. He said he'd go with her. She didn't know if he wanted to push her to keep talking or if it was to look out for her, or even make sure she didn't run…?

As she lit the cigarette and had her first drag she realized she needed to keep going. Her whole body wanted to shake, this next part was just one more piece of evidence that she was "used goods", not worthy of respect. "I was out doing an undercover job; I think I told you I'd done this kind of thing, it was a sting to catch johns. I was the bait. In one night we bagged 4 guys. We all went back to the station and planned to have a drink after to celebrate. We went over to the bar and had some drinks. I didn't have a lot but I was tired, and not feeling great. We'd all carpooled over; when I said I was ready to head out, my Deputy Chief told me he'd take me home, he just needed to stop at the station. It was Atlanta and I didn't really pay attention to how much he had drank. It was different there. I'd had enough to drink and wasn't feeling great so I didn't even think twice. We got to the station and he told me to come up with him since it was empty down in the lot".

The cigarette was done, again Fin led her inside. His face clearly showed he had a sense of where this was going. She'd just revealed her inappropriate relationship with her Captain; he probably figured she had the same thing going with the Deputy Chief. Once again Fin was in tune with her. Maybe he saw it on her face. "Rollins, part of trust is knowing that you can tell me anything and you don't have to sweat it. It stays with me and nothing you say is the problem. It was the not saying something that was the problem." They got to the bar and sat back down.

Deep breath, fingers fidgeting, drink…fire…run…She'd never talked about this or told anyone since coming to New York, not even in a group. She had to start now before she lost the courage. "We started upstairs and I realized he'd a lot to drink. My thought was on how to get home since he was clearly in no shape to drive me to my place. We got upstairs and I headed for my desk. I pulled out my phone and texted Sam to see if he could get me, and was ok to drive. He said he was, just to give him 20 minutes. I was heading to tell the Deputy Chief that Sam, the Captain, was going to stop by and could give us a ride".

She asked Fin if he would order a shot of what they'd had before. He did, he must have known this was not easy. Once again she figured he'd give her shit about it if they ever got back to the old relationship. They drank the shot, she grabbed what was left of her beer, and she looked at the glass, and started up. "I approached his office and he looked up. He walked over and started telling me what a nice job I did and how he'd make sure I got recognition. I'd done the same thing before, part of earning my shield. I was hoping I wouldn't have to do it again, but there weren't many women on the force, and I was it for Sex Crimes".

She couldn't look up, she was too ashamed and her pride would be shot once he knew. "…he started saying something about how hot I looked and if he'd been looking for a prostitute he'd pick me up too. He was clearly drunk so I was choosing to ignore it. I just told him that Sam was on his way and we should hurry up. He grabbed my wrist as I turned from the office. I pulled back, but he kept his grip. He was leering at me. He started talking about the reason they'd promoted me was cause all the guys loved the show during the sting. He was going to make sure they did another one soon. At this point I sensed this wasn't just inappropriate talk. I was becoming very nervous. I laughed, joked that I thought one of the guys should be the lure next time, and tried to pull him towards the door".

"He was so drunk I never figured he'd be able to keep his grip and not stumble. But he didn't lose his hold on my wrist and he didn't fall, he pulled me further into his office. He shut the door and locked it; he was still gripping my wrist". I realized unconsciously I was holding my right wrist as I was re-living the scene. "I started talking to him. Telling him he'd had too much to drink. He just needed to get home, and that Sam was on his way, although Sam said he would wait downstairs. The Deputy Chief looked at me and asked me if I liked being a detective. I didn't get it; he cleared it up for me quickly. He told me that he made the decisions about who had a job, who got promoted. It was Atlanta so I was used to some good-old-boy attitude and innuendo. But this wasn't that. I knew this was spiraling out of control and he was telling me to 'pay' for my position in Atlanta. There was no way I was going to lay down on my back willingly for the job or that bastard. I started to struggle and try to get to the door. He got both of my wrists and…I realized I couldn't take care of myself. I was a cop, a detective, and I couldn't stop this. If I had my gun I would have fired. But since I'd been undercover it was not on me…"

I stopped talking; I didn't know what to do. The details weren't important. I ordered another beer. I didn't even look at Fin, I couldn't. He asked for water so I knew he was done drinking for the night. For some reason that unnerved me and I called back the bartender and ordered another one for Fin. I guess he knew, once again, it was something that I needed, so he let it go. The drinks arrived and I remained silent. Still not looking up. I felt a gentle hand on my shoulder, "Amanda", I still looked down. Fin became insistent "Amanda, this is for you, you need to tell this. This is the stuff that eats you up. Until you let it out you'll never get out of the hold. You need to learn trust. I think you trusted me as much as anyone, right"? I nodded yes, still looking down. "Tell me… (pause) tell me, trust me". He took a finger; gently he touched my chin and brought my face up. I looked past him, not at him. "Amanda, this isn't on you. Shit happens and sometimes we do it, like gambling or keeping secrets, and a lot times it's done to us. We don't control that. But you can let down your guard for a minute, it might help." His gentle finger once again tried to encourage me to look at him, to see the truth, to trust. I looked, for a moment, the flood of tears was here, I looked away. I fought the tears off. I couldn't hold them all back. I wiped them quickly away. Fin squeezed my shoulder again. It was time to finish the story, the same damn story of my life.

I was speaking quietly, not wanting anyone else to hear. "I told him he could find himself some other whore for sale, and that I wasn't one of them. I tried to twist out of his grip on my wrists; I tried to use my training. I was spinning in my mind. I kept repeating the word 'no, please don't do this, no'. He was the Deputy Chief, but I had to treat him… It didn't go well for me. He wasn't some old Deputy Chief. Even drunk he was strong and sure footed. We went down. By this point he was talking like I was willing, even implied if I was willing to get practically naked for the job, in the sting, I must… (pause). He had his pants off and was working on mine. I froze, I didn't struggle anymore, I think I was still saying 'no', but I'm not sure. I am so disgusted with myself. Why didn't I fight…"?

"That's when Sam called out to us. I yelled and the Deputy Chief jumped up. I ran to the door and out to Sam. I'm not sure what he thought in that moment. I was a mess… my clothes…and the Deputy Chief was buttoning his pants. As the Deputy Chief was fixing his clothes he laughed, said that Sam had caught us in the act. He knew it was a breach of protocol, but when I came on to him he couldn't resist. I couldn't speak. I was shaking in Sam's arms, but I couldn't speak. I couldn't get out the words".

"As soon as I sensed the Deputy Chief heading towards us I ran. I took the stairs down, went out the gate, and just ran. (Sarcastically) It's a good thing I was on the track team and had kept up with my daily running. Pretty useful skill when you are Amanda Rollins." I took another drink. "The Captain called my cell several times. I didn't answer. When I got to my house he was there, waiting. I guess one good thing about our 'almost romance' was he cared and he didn't believe the story the Deputy Chief told him. At first I ignored him and went straight to my apartment door. But he wouldn't accept that. I finally let him in. I didn't want to tell him what happened. But I couldn't have the story get out that I was sleeping with the Deputy Chief. I also didn't want Sam to think that I was a piece of used trash. I told him what had happened. For some reason he believed me, said he would help me."

"The next day when I got to the station I saw the looks; the deputy chief wanted his story out before he risked me sharing mine. I'd had no intention of pursuing it, saying anything; my only goal was to try to move to another division. It was too late. The word was out that I'd tried to seduce him for a job and was open to offers. Each day was a new hell. I couldn't do my job because nobody respected me or trusted my work. Sam offered to talk to Cragen. He'd heard about Elliott and knew there might be a position open. Within a few months of that night I was up here."

Silence…


	4. Friendship

"Amanda, I am sorry. That isn't right, and damn sure isn't right that someone in the force, your superior, would do that. A Deputy Chief. I wish you would have pressed charges. Did anything happen to the piece of shit"?

She knew the answer would upset Fin, to this day she felt immense guilt. "I didn't report it directly, no charges. Sam took it up the ranks and Deputy Chief was supposed to be watched closely by Internal Affairs. There weren't many women on the Atlanta force, and he wasn't out on the streets anymore. It's no excuse. I spend all my days convincing people that they need to pursue chargers and I didn't have the courage. In some ways I figured it was minor. He was drunk, I must have led him on somehow, and in the end nothing happened. I'd been through worse". I realized I'd just indicated that wasn't the first time I'd been in that situation. I wasn't ready to share any more.

Fin nodded his head. "You didn't lead him on and you know it. He is a low piece of shit and should be in a uniform in prison, not on the force." Once again he gently lifted my chin and turned my face to him. "Trust, remember. You need to trust me, know that it is ok to tell me this stuff and not feel shame. You look me in the eye. It's not your shame. I'll happily go down to Atlanta and make sure he is on his back for a few months!" He continued to hold my chin, gently, not forcefully. "Amanda, we both know this isn't something you asked for. You have to stop doubting yourself. The Amanda I see on the job is confident, heck sometimes maybe a little over-confident, always trying to take the world on alone. Not weak at all. Trust me".

I finally turned my eyes, allowing the tears I'd tried to hold back fall, and looked at Fin. There was no judgment, no pity, I saw a look. Understanding, maybe he could see that along the way I'd lost my ability to trust. I looked at Fin and accepted the comfort of knowing he hadn't totally given up on me.

I'd taken a cab to the bar knowing I'd likely have a few drinks. Fin offered to let me stay at his place since we could walk there; it was Friday so no work tomorrow. I was in a drunk, stressed, overdrive state, and not up to arguing. We got to his place. Of course I had Kim flashbacks. Fin turned to me, "Amanda, Kim doesn't deserve your time or your love. You stay in my room and I'll stay in the guest room. I promise that it's all clean".

Fin walked up to give me a hug… and I did it again. I can't seem to separate the feelings of trust and friendship from something more. My old Captain, Nate my sponsor, and without even thinking I was about to do the same with Fin. I reached my hands up and took his head to draw it down. It was the briefest touch of lips before he quickly drew back. He looked at me. "Amanda, you are going through a shitstorm of feeling right now. You took a risk and trusted me. You have reminders of Kim. And you have all of the past couple of weeks. You don't want this. I know you want to find a place for all of those feelings and the turmoil, that thing that you used gambling to calm. But you don't want this with me. I am here for you. I will hold you. But don't allow the confusion in your mind confuse anything else. You are my partner and my friend, and a friend doesn't take advantage of a person when they are in the hell you are in".

He walked me to the couch. He sat me down and held me. I must have fallen asleep. At some point he got blankets and pillows for me. But he didn't leave. In the morning he was still there, next to me, showing me I could trust him. Not like Nate, Nate who'd been so easy to convince that he could give more than friendship to me. Oh he paid it lip service. Saying "no" at first to my advances, but not a couple days later he was ready to take what was offered. That time it wasn't confusion though, it was justice. He thought he had me, could have me, I don't think he could help himself. But I needed to show him he didn't control me. Fin was so different. He meant it when he said I could trust him. He was a true friend. Trust


	5. Amaro

It had been a few weeks since her entire life fell apart. She went in each day and put up the wall, pretending everything was normal. Fin never brought up the talk that night. Although the fracture in the relationship was still there, it was less deep. There was a tentative, unspoken, agreement that he would give me another opportunity, I had to give him complete trust to earn and keep it.

I went to meetings again, making sure I chose ones where Nate wouldn't be in attendance. It was harder this time. The first time I had such conviction that I was done with that life and had it conquered. It was a huge hit to my belief in my abilities when I realized I had fallen so far. That moment when I was ready to hand myself over to Murphy constantly flashed through my mind. How low was I, I had become what everyone expected from a small town Georgia white trash girl. This time the battle to stop gambling, and make the right choices, was harder and I had lost the confidence I had in myself.

Work was hard every day. Olivia was still clearly unsure if I should still be on the team, even as short staffed as we were. I continued to work as hard as I could and I avoided mistakes, or trying to be too aggressive. I no longer had the confidence I had before. I became quieter, less aggressive with the team, and I walked especially carefully anytime I had to deal with Olivia. I saw in her eyes that she had her own pain and was still dealing with the demons from Lewis. Captain Cragan and Munch were gone, I'd lost it, and even Amaro was off. I refused to add any more to this storm than I already had.

It was with Amaro that I was most confused about where I stood. Clearly after he went digging into my life to prove Nate was a loser we had not been on good terms. I didn't like my life pried into, and for some reason every time I turned around it seemed like Nick was trying to save me. Even now, with how far I had fallen, my sense was he wasn't angry that I had screwed-up; it was like he was angry he hadn't been able to save me before I self-destructed.

I wondered what he knew about how things had turned with Murphy. The haunting words from the report by Murphy came into my head when I saw Amaro, the part where he told Amaro I was 'used', I felt sick. I couldn't look into Amaro's eyes now. He may have assumed it was part of Murphy's role, but he wasn't stupid. They all knew I had hit the low point where you do anything to try get a fix, or in my case, to save my career. I guess Olivia was trying to diminish the drama and tension that was already in the air so she rarely had Amaro and I work together.

However, a case came along and Fin had to be in court as a witness when it came down. We had to go and investigate possible sexual abuse of sisters. They had been removed from their home after one of them ended up in the hospital with a fractured arm. The doctor suspected more than physical abuse. Olivia sent us to talk to them, only Nick and I for the first time since my life fell apart, or since I tore it apart piece by piece, dollar by dollar.

We got in the car; he drove, as he always did. I used my phone to pretend I had to check emails, anything to avoid talking. We'd barely said two words outside of discussing cases since the day they found out about the undercover work, and my fall. It was hard to deal with Olivia or face Fin. For some reason it was so much harder to face Nick. He'd save me from my sister and I still felt that I owed him. But he just never let up. Even now, when I needed someone to save me from myself, I was angry he interfered. How could I be angry with him though? Because of him I wasn't in prison for murder, I wasn't blinded by Nate, but I was resentful.

The hospital was an hour's drive with the traffic; of course one of the worst traffic days was the first day I had to be alone with Nick. I could hear the tick tock in my mind, counting down before he would finally start. I knew he'd ask questions, want information, and unlike Fin he wouldn't let-up. Once again the moment with me dropping to my knees in front of Murphy was flashing in my head, "used", "dirty little girl". It felt true, and never more so than while sitting with Nick, who seemed to find out more of the dirty aspects of my life than even Cragen or Olivia. Tick Tock. Fire…Run. I wanted to get out of the car before he said a word, before he tried to pry open and steal my secrets.

"Amanda, I know we don't agree on everything, but did you really think I couldn't be trusted with knowing what you were working on? You know I worked undercover for years. I know how to keep that information. I want to know why you didn't trust me, and why you were there? Why you went back to that life? I thought you'd worked through it"?

"You never should have gotten involved with Nate. I tried to warn you but you ignored me. I can't figure you out. Do you not trust anyone, or do you just trust the wrong people? I was only trying to help you when I went to that Gambler's Anonymous meeting to find out about Nate. He was trouble. Look what happened after he got to you"?

I was starting to lose it. He always had to attack me and put his own motives on a pedestal. "Nick, it wasn't Nate that got me here. I did that all myself. Between Kim, Cragen leaving, and Nate it's been hard. You can't save me and you need to stop trying. Why do you feel this constant need to try to save me? Don't you have enough to worry about with Maria and Zara and your own life"?

"Amanda, don't change the conversation. I'm not trying to save you; I'm trying to make sure that I don't let anything happen like Lewis to my, our, team again". I sighed, frustration palpable in the car. "Nick, it isn't your job to take care of us. Our jobs are to keep the scum off the streets and have each other's backs when we are out on the job. Will you ever leave me in peace; let me make my own choices, and my own mistakes, without you two steps behind watching me?"

He gave me the sideways look. He couldn't see it. In his mind he was justified and nothing I said would change his mind. I was too drained to fight. All I said was "Nick let it drop right now." After that he didn't say anything outside of planning our approach with the two girls. They were 10 and 12. Both showed signs of physical abuse and possible sexual abuse. In a perverse way it was easier to focus on this than to think about my life, or try to deal with Nick.

At the hospital we spoke to the doctors. They had been given permission by social services to test for signs of any abuse. So far they had evidence that someone was physically and sexually hurting both girls. The older girl, Samantha, was the one in the hospital with the injuries. We went to talk to her first. He warned us that she wasn't opening up easily, her sister, Amy, who was 10yrs old was less defensive and more likely to give us more information. However, she was at a foster home so we would start with the older sister.

We knocked and entered the room. Samantha was on her bed with her arm in a sling. Flashbacks to my getting shot hit me. I smiled at her. She did not smile back. It was clear she was not going to divulge details easily. We had to try, it was always better to have a statement from a victim early to back up the evidence. The sooner we had the statement the more helpful it was in seeking charges against whoever was abusing her. I saw a look in her eyes that was very familiar. Her eyes spoke of a life that taught her never to reveal too much. But she was young; she couldn't hide all of the pain, sadness, fear, and the pride. She had survived this long, and she would continue to survive.

I approached her slowly, gently smiled, and asked about her arm. She shrugged with the good arm. Her hair fell into her face, a layer of protection to hide her eyes I thought. "Sweetheart, we are here to talk to you about what happened? We want to stop whoever is hurting you. This is my partner Nick, he can stay, or if you prefer, he can step out of the room. What would you like"? She looked at Nick and with a nod let Nick know she didn't care. My guess was it meant she didn't plan to say much.

"I know you have been through a lot and it is a lot to deal with. We are here to help you; we want to make sure this doesn't happen again. Can you please tell me what happened to your arm"? She looked up, straight into my eyes and said "I fell". I knew this was the standard answer, I had used it myself once. "You might be scared, or want to protect the person, but this won't stop. The person or people who hurt you need help; nobody ever has a right to physically hurt you". Again she looked up, "I fell".

I continued to talk to her and ask questions. I even tried to use the tactic of asking about other things about herself, her life. She lived with her mom, a boyfriend, and another adult male. After 15-20 minutes I could tell this wouldn't be the day. I gave her my card and told her to please call me anytime. I was here and no matter when, or about what, she could reach out to me.

This time in the car Nick didn't push for information. Next we drove to the foster home where Samantha's younger sister, Amy, was. It was a temporary shelter with a number of other kids. We were led to a room set up with games and toys, and a girl who we assumed was Amy, sitting at a small table. "Hello Amy, my name is Amanda. How are you holding up sweetheart"? She was not as defensive as her sister. The emotional pain was visible in her eyes; the sadness came out through her tears. She, like her sister, shrugged her shoulders. "I know this is a very hard time honey. My partner, Nick (she turned to him) and I are here to help you and your sister".

The interview lasted over an hour and Amy divulged a lot of the abuse and horror that was happening in her home. There was physical, emotional, and sexual abuse in the home. All three of the adults hurt the girls. It was the father that was the vilest. He had been sexually abusing or raping Samantha for two years according to Amy. Amy said that her father was attacking her when Samantha walked into the room the day Samantha got hurt. Samantha went at her dad, it was this that caused Samantha's broken arm. Although at this point in her statement Amy became very upset and was crying, it was clear her sister was unable to stop her father from raping Amy. In fact, Amy indicated he told Samantha she had to stay and watch or he it would be even worse for Amy. By the time we left the room both Nick and I were drained. These were some of the worst cases to work, a reminder of the monsters that surround us. The drive to the station was quiet.


	6. Brief Interlude - Finding Olivia

**Sorry taking so long to update, my birthday was over the weekend so I've been busy. Will soon pick up with focus on Amanda Rollins. Still from the Rollins viewpoint, but a good reminder that she isn't the only one with challenges. **

**Once again I do not own nor have the rights to any of the Law & Order storylines, characters, etc. **

Olivia had such an amazing mix of compassion and strength. She had what it takes to be an amazing permanent leader of the department. I knew the way leadership of the team fell into her lap was not ideal. In fact I sensed she was hoping they would find a replacement for Cragen soon. She wanted to be out there with victims, and crushing the people that hurt them. It was an Olivia special, enable a rape victim to feel safe and believed one minute, and a few hours later hammer the perp in an interrogation room. Not only did she have this gift, she was able to swiftly change roles, so subtly you didn't even notice the change had happened.

It is so strange how life goes sometimes. One moment all you focus on is the terrible things in your own life and suddenly you are reminded how awful it is in the shoes of those around you. It was a few months after the low point of my life when we found out that William Lewis had escaped from prison. According to what we were told he wound up in the hospital and somehow planned a way to get himself free.

We all felt a shock to our system, but the look on Olivia's face was so raw it reminded me that she had her own low point recently. Even when looking back at the things that had happened in my life, none compared to the horror of being in that evil "man's" hands. I knew it was time I stepped up and I had to put my stuff back in the box. Olivia needed us, and that included me.

She had someone with her around the clock and nearly always one of us was with her as well. We continued to try to focus on cases but the distraction and fear we all felt was dominating our thoughts. Olivia insisted on working, she seemed to need the work to take her focus. She had Brian with her at night, and cars posted outside 24/7.

Lewis had somehow escaped and kidnapped a young girl. The girl was his bullet proof vest, and his ace in getting to Olivia. Lewis also knew of her gift of compassion and he masterfully used it to entrap her. Olivia was his demand and there was no stopping her from going to meet him. She insisted we not tell anyone or she knew he would kill the girl.

Once she arrived she immediately engaged Lewis. She knew better than to try the usual tactics. She went straight to offering to go with him if he let the girl go, Lewis refused. Despite all of our protests she agreed to go with Lewis and the girl. Olivia wouldn't allow the girl to be alone with him. Lewis forced Olivia to drive and kept the girl in the back with him. She drove off with Lewis. Lewis had made a threat that if he saw anyone following him "it wouldn't be good for 'his girls'". The car they had been driving in was found a few blocks away and a taxi driver was found shot nearby, it was assumed Lewis had been the killer and had taken the taxi.

We were all at the headquarters of the special command center in charge of finding Lewis, Olivia, and the little girl. She was an 11-year-old named Louisa. She had been walking home from her friend's house and unfortunately been in the path of Lewis. The atmosphere was frantic, and the tension level high.

In the midst of the chaos of the command center at One Police Plaza Brian arrived. It took only moments before I saw Amaro and Fin take him to the side. Brian looked ready to kill, and I'm not sure it really mattered who it was if he thought it would help Olivia. They talked to him and finally he was calm enough to insert himself into the search and how it was being planned. Fin, Nick, and I decided to start trying to figure out places where Lewis might be headed.

Sometimes all it takes is one small detail or one inadvertent comment that can change everything. When Lewis was being interrogated he said something that didn't make a lot of sense at the time. "I am an innocent man; my only crime is being born to a father who shared too much". It lingered in my head. Everyone heard the comment and knew it had a meaning. I don't think Lewis meant to drop it as a clue. I think he was deflecting blame for his actions in a brief moment of defensiveness. He must have been triggered by something that was said and he slipped.

At the time I spent hours digging through online records trying to find out all about him and his past, both before and after he had Olivia. In a lucky hit I found a story about his family in which they talked about his father going to prison for a variety of offenses. He had committed a number of crimes involving drugs, assault of an officer, illegal weapons, and most interesting, lewd acts with a child. He had been caught in a sting to close down a drug operation. When he was arrested there must have been something that led to the charges of lewd acts with a child. I don't know if was because records that old had often been misplaced, or not yet put into electronic format, but the details seemed lost.

At the time I told Olivia that I was researching his background and she told me to keep digging and let her know what I found. However, she wanted me make sure I didn't do anything that would interfere with his trial. She didn't want any risk of contaminating his prosecution. Amaro and Fin were a part of it as well, but I had the expertise and experience to use the internet as a powerful weapon. Fin was barely past the time when he thought the only way a computer was a weapon was if you threw it at someone and Amaro seemed more inclined to hit the computer, expecting it to cooperate and give him the information. After the trial things were already on a downward trend for me. I did continue to look into it a little but since he was convicted, and I was distracted, I didn't get much further. Now I knew I needed to pick up where I left off.

I scanned the room and found an FBI agent I pegged as someone who could be persuaded to help me in looking for information on Lewis. I knew this was already being done at the official level. I wanted to get a jump on finding it so that we didn't have to wait for official word of locations to check. I went over to see if I couldn't get some help accessing the FBI database for additional information. Dave, the agent's name, seemed to be fairly new at this and eager to help. When I mentioned how I was having some trouble finding an important file on Lewis, and knew it was critical, he offered to help me. I might have led him to believe I was a little higher in the NYPD ranks that I actually was. The information he was able to find was the address of Lewis' childhood home, and what the charge meant. His father had been found with a young girl in his house during his arrest. Lewis, a 10-year-old, was in the room and told the officers his dad was forcing him to watch as he touched her and hurt her. There wasn't enough evidence to charge more severely, which is why he got such a minor charge.

Lewis was probably destined to be a monster from his inception, but that was the moment that had probably turned on his desire to torment victims in perverse sexually motivated crimes. He had been unleashed.

We now had a place to start talking to people and trying to get clues on where Lewis was headed. We chose to do the right thing and inform the people in charge of what our plan was. They insisted we take reinforcements with us. We went out to start talking to anyone we could find in his neighborhood, at the prison, anything to give us a hint on his plan. We took his childhood neighborhood. Time was not on Olivia's side. I owed her and felt that sense of responsibility, I had to make sure we found her before anything more terrible happened.


	7. Olivia Freed

It was the longest 10 hours of all of our lives. In the end Olivia was saved and Lewis was dead. Olivia was stronger this time and although he worked hard to deconstruct her, and take her even further down the path of madness, it didn't work.

I knew each of us wanted to have a shot at Lewis. We were the first ones to find Lewis, Olivia, and Louisa. We discovered that after his father was put in jail, and his mother ran off, he was placed with his grandmother at a small cottage out near Harriman. We drove up to see if he was there, after we had a local sheriff check for signs of him. The sheriff said there was a vehicle there that fit the description of one that had been reported stolen. He also confirmed Lewis had lived there as a child with his grandmother. Amaro, Fin, and I decided to drive up there. We had to take the detail assigned by the ones running the show to travel with us to the area.

We arrived, along with the back-up. Once we arrived, and took an inventory, we came up with a plan. Amaro would retrieve the girl. I would try to talk to Lewis and distract him. He was obsessed with women and so I pushed Fin and Amaro to agree I should try to talk to Lewis. Fin would lead the rest of the players on the outside. They would work with the back-ups to put an end to the situation.

Lewis was so focused on Olivia that Amaro was able to free the girl shortly after we approached the house. Lewis heard the noise and went to the room where he had tied up Louisa and saw she was gone. He yelled and laughed saying Olivia would pay for each mistake we made. "I am already enjoying my time; you make it better with each misstep". As much as we each wanted to kill him we stuck to our plan.

I slowly approached the house calling out to let Lewis know that I was coming toward the door. There were probably 12 or so officers already there. The local Sheriff also called in the nearest S.W.A.T. team. I felt very vulnerable but had to put my faith in Fin and Amaro. I continued to approach the door, my guns were both left behind but I kept on the bullet proof vest. Lewis yelled out to me, "Stay out if you don't want your boss to get hurt". Inside of me I was swept by such disgust and hate, but I could not give in to him.

"Lewis, I'm not armed; I'm just here since I'm the one that started this whole thing. I figured we could bring it full circle. I am the one that arrested you in the park and brought you in, remember"? I heard something inside, talking or movement. I was at the door and I knocked. I heard Olivia, she was mumbling to him. He opened the door and dragged me in. It was too late to turn back. He removed the vest and checked for weapons, enjoying the entire process.

He leered and made some comment that he was sure I'd love whatever he could bring on; "I looked like the kind that would enjoy it". I recoiled and try to draw my arm away. He smirked, "you are here sweetheart, now I get to play". I told him I wanted to see Olivia and know she was OK. I told him that "the guys outside won't hesitate to shoot you, I'm your opportunity to live through this". I didn't honestly expect him to survive and from his expression he didn't take me seriously either.

"You want to see Olivia, come on let's go and visit her". He pushed me forward towards a room where Olivia was sitting in a chair her hands tied together in front of her and her legs to the chair. He removed the duct tape that he must have used to keep her from yelling out to us. She looked at me, her eyes held fear, exhaustion, and strength. I saw the look in her eyes that she was angry and she had not lost her fire. I asked her how she was doing. She looked at Lewis, slightly smiled, "I am doing well, just chatting with Lewis here about how I plan to make sure he finds a new home in hell, and won't be around to hurt anyone else".

Lewis looked at Olivia, raised his gun, and smiled. "I think I'll take you with me". I went to lunge to stop him when Olivia yelled at me to "stop"! Lewis turned the gun to me and smiled. "It's Amanda, right"? "Why don't you have a seat on that bed over there"? I apologized for my action, looked at Olivia who nodded a quick affirmative, and went over and sat on the edge of the bed. I looked at Lewis and was trying to figure out what direction to take. He had Olivia in front of one window. The room only had one other window and it was at the top of the room, narrow, and running the length of the room. He had that blacked out from the inside. There was a door to a bathroom that appeared to only be open from the bedroom. I continued to gather as much as I could from the room, from the entry, and Lewis.

Lewis was not as confident this time, he appeared almost a little nervous, and I don't think he had the same control. I was hoping I could play on that and use it as the way out. I looked at Olivia. I didn't see any blood on her, she was still in the clothes she had been earlier, and thankfully they didn't look torn. She gave me a very slight look, one to say he had not raped her or done too much physical damage. I was hoping she could give me any clues, even subtly, but Lewis didn't move from the room. The silence was overpowering and Lewis became edgier. Olivia spoke first, "I think you are scared of me…and I still don't think you have the guts to do anything to me, it's been hours already".

My immediate thought was I should take the soft edge, work towards cooperation. Olivia seemed to have some impact on him that made him impotent. He couldn't let go of her because he hadn't been able to conquer her. She knew this and was using it to her, our, advantage. I would have to play the one he thought he could overpower so he would keep some sense of strength and hopefully not lose it and just start shooting.

Time dragged forward. I worked to engage Lewis, hoped to distract him, get him away from the window that Olivia was in front (or push him to move her away), or even better get him to go to another room. The exchanges continued for at least an hour and there didn't seem to be any movement. The S.W.A.T. team was outside now and had tried to call in and use a megaphone to communicate. Lewis gave them no response.

At one point I decided to see if I could turn his attention away from Olivia, get him to take me to another room. Give Olivia a chance to try to free herself. Lewis seemed to like a little antagonism mixed with vulnerability. He apparently couldn't handle the strength that Olivia possessed. I started to work on him.

"Lewis, what is about sexually torturing women that drives you"? He only smiled and said nothing. "I notice you normally pick easy targets, women that won't fight back"? Again he didn't say anything. "I am curious why you are so into Olivia, I'm the one that got you in the beginning and started this whole thing for you. I'm curious what made you skip me and move to Olivia"? I could see him considering responding, I waited.

"You don't shut up, do you"? He paused and looked annoyed with my questions. "Sweetheart, you should be careful". I allowed the fear I was feeling to show through, I actually let my normal shield down. He fed off of fear. "I shouldn't say this in front of Olivia, a part of me knows that I couldn't have survived the ordeal the way she did. I wouldn't have the fight she does. I was actually relieved you didn't choose me as your target".

I had caught him, he switched focus and I could see the same look in his eyes that I knew well. It was the one I must have when my craving, my need to make a bet, would take over. Game was on and I could only hope it ended the right way. Lewis was focused on me and I made sure not to gaze over at Olivia. I had to get him out of this room so she could free herself. I started talking again, "The entire time we were looking for Olivia I was terrified and kept thinking I hope Olivia is stronger than I am". I looked down; I forced myself to remain weak and open, to not let my guard up. I continued talking, "I have had enough traumas to last a lifetime. With my sister, shooting her Ex, having my life revealed in court…including the humiliation of finding out my boyfriend was having sex with other women during our relationship, than hitting a point so low I risked my job and self-respect over my addiction to gambling".

He approached me, reached for me and dragged me up. He hadn't tied me up which I assumed was because I had come in willingly. He shoved me through the doorway and towards a room just down the hall. This room was also a bedroom, it only had two windows and both were blacked out. He began to push me towards the bed. Now the gun was aimed at my head. He picked up scissors and used it to cut off my shirt. He made sure to stab me with the point several times; I let him know it hurt. He grabbed my neck and squeezed so hard I couldn't breathe. The gun was still at my head. "Honey, are you ready to play a game"? I couldn't speak. He let me go and I went down on my knees choking for air. He grabbed my pony tail and pulled it with such force my head felt ready to break off, and dragged me on the bed. He had cuffs on the posts of the bed at the head board. In less than a minute I was now in them and couldn't move my arms. Real tears, from the pain, were now streaming down my face. I was still recovering from being choked, stabbed and my head viciously yanked.

He sat on the bed, gun in his lap, and gently wiped the tears. He started to talk, "you asked for this, you were jealous that I picked Olivia over you. Now it's your turn". He walked over to a desk and picked up something, it looked like screwdriver, and came back to the bed. He had used some rope to tie my legs straight and to the edge of the bed. Next he took the screwdriver and put it near my eye. I was breathing fast and wanted to turn away. Next he licked my face; bit my ear, the entire time with the screwdriver shoving into the area right below my eye.

What felt like hours had probably been minutes. He continued to go between hurting me, talking, and then acting as though I was willing. He went over and got the scissors again and cut off my pants and removed my boots. Now I was down to my underwear and bra, feeling the same sense of vulnerability as when Murphy frisked me in the club. Only this time the humiliation and fear were mixed with pain and even more rage. I was Amanda Rollins and this psychopath would not beat me. I knew Olivia and the rest of my team would be in here soon. I had to trust others this time. Lewis didn't have long to live.

I started to talk, "I know this is all because of your dad and what he made you do and watch when you were little. I know you didn't want that, he put you through hell and now you take it out on women. Did your mother ignore what he was doing to you"? He said nothing but his eyes went blank. "You know that you aren't your dad or mother, you don't need to take power through fear and pain. I can show you if you let me out of the cuffs."

He laughed, "you think I'm stupid, oh Mandy, so naïve. I enjoy every moment of this and it has nothing to do with my father or the bitch". I continued using this approach and talking to him, trying to slow him down. I saw a movement by the doorway, Olivia was outside the door. She came in swinging. This time using a hammer he had left in the living room, must have been one of his instruments of torture. He never saw the swing coming. She used such force he flew off the bed. She didn't get his head; it was his side and back. I knew she would kill him this time. He had lost the screwdriver and the gun when she hit him. He started to stand up and said he would kill her first. The hammer came around again and this time it hit his head. He went down and I could see he wouldn't make it through this injury. The self-control Olivia used to stop was immense. She didn't want to be accused of too much force this time and risk jail or losing her job.

She came over to me to free me. Immediately I heard all of the forces outside starting to enter. She yelled out to give us a minute. The key to the cuffs was on a nightstand and she used the scissors to cut the ropes. She knew that I needed to walk out of here and not in my current state. I was tough, but even I wasn't ready to be found half-naked tied to the bed.

She found a shirt and some sweats in a drawer and gave them to me and never said a word. She walked to the door and said we would be right out. I dressed and walked with her to the door. She grabbed my hand and we made our way outside. We let the rest of the detectives and medical team go inside and deal with the scene. Lewis wasn't dead when they got to him, but we learned he was already very close to it. Fin and Amaro had been in the living room but came outside and each took one of us and nearly carried us towards the waiting medics. Fin went with Olivia; he had known her for so long I think he felt she would need someone familiar and he needed to be there for her. Amaro took me; he did lift me up and carried me the rest of the way. I wanted to walk but my neck was still throbbing and my one eye was swelling and I couldn't see well.

I didn't fight; I was so drained and somehow as soon as I was free lost all desire to speak. Amaro looked at me; he smiled and said he never should have underestimated my ability to take care of myself, and our team. He set me in the ambulance and stepped inside. He couldn't be kicked out. They immediately began checking me and started driving to the hospital. None of the injuries were severe in themselves. Bruising was already appearing on my neck and where the scissors had cut and jammed me. My eye was swollen, bruised, and turning red but no permanent damage.

Once we got to the hospital they continued the exam and a team was there to collect all of the evidence. I could see in Amaro's eyes the question, had he assaulted me. I turned to him, "don't worry, Olivia got there with plenty of time. He enjoyed taking his time and torturing me too much. Please go and check on Olivia, please? I need to know that she is OK and we got to her in time".

He acquiesced to my wishes and left the room. The nurse had me remove the clothes to take pictures and do the rest of the exam. I was given a hospital gown and put on antibiotics and given fluids. They also gave me painkillers. I was in a haze and starting to fall asleep. Amaro came back in the room. I woke enough to ask, "How is Olivia?" He smiled, "She is hanging in there. She doesn't have many physical injuries. She is traumatized and they gave her something to relax her. However, Fin said she is tough too, seems to still have that Olivia strength, he didn't break her. I smiled and fell asleep.


	8. After Lewis

It had been a few weeks since Lewis had escaped and finally was put to sleep forever. The events took their toll on everyone. Olivia went back to work within a few days. She was shaken but knowing that Lewis was gone, and that she was able to stay strong, really seemed to help her through it. She was not the same Olivia, she never would be, but she came out of it all so much better than most of us would.

I was more shaken than Olivia. I felt a little of the burden I owed to the team had been lifted after Olivia was free and safe. However, the events that had happened in that house left there mark on me. I was a survivor and always took care of myself. I learned early not to rely on anyone else. I had learned being a police officer, and now a detective, you had to accept your partner or team as back-up, so in that one area I accepted the support. However, I almost always counted on myself to get me through any situation. This was one of the first times where I intentionally put myself in a very dangerous position and the only way out had been through Olivia, Amaro, and Fin. They pulled me through but I wasn't comfortable with the knowledge without them I would have been tortured, raped, and killed…and I had put myself in his hands.

My injuries were healing, my eye was almost normal, but my brain was still trying to process the past year and this was just one more thing in the tornado of thought rolling in my head. Each day I walked into the station I pulled myself together, put the protective barrier back up, and did my job. I had taken two weeks off because with my vision compromised I couldn't come back immediately. Olivia had told me I would be required to attend some type of addiction program after the undercover operation. After this she told me I would need a psych clearance before I could get off of desk duty. I had been back at work for a couple of weeks now and still hadn't had the evaluation.

I got to work early on a Monday morning and went to work on the grunt work that needed to be done, stuff that got put off when we were all out on the street investigating. Fin walked in and walked over to me and sat down across from me. "Hello Amanda". I looked at him, smiled, "Hey Fin how was your weekend"? He looked at me, nodded and indicated it had gone well. He asked how mine went and I responded with the usual, "It was fine, you know how exciting it is going to the park with Fannie and cleaning the apartment".

I saw it coming and Fin didn't disappoint, "Amanda, why haven't you gone to the psych eval so you can come off this damn desk"? I had dreaded this. For the first weeks I used my injuries as a reason. Last week it was that I was trying to get caught up on the backlog from the insanity of the past couple of months. I was running out of excuses…and time. I looked down at my computer, "I'm going, I'll set up an appointment today. It's just a stamp so I'm sure I'll be back out on the streets with you in a couple of days". Fin looked very unsure and nodded his head, "Amanda, I don't think Liv meant you should go to one of those Hi, I'm fine, sign, and you're back to work. You need to talk to someone and work through your stuff. You can't be out there and doing what you need to if you are a mess". My head shot up so fast and I laughed, "A mess, thanks a lot Fin. I'm not a mess, well maybe I hit a bit of a low point but I'm fine." Once again he gave me the half-smile shaking head, "Amanda, how many times do I have to tell you I've got you, I'm no judge, but we all gotta know when it's time to get help. You can't keep holding this all by yourself. You don't trust us so maybe a stranger is better. Those shrinks occasionally help, you know just cause they call 'em shrinks doesn't mean you are small if you see one".

Fin continued, "Amanda, how are you really doing? You went through a lot with Lewis and you haven't really said much. I'm your partner but I'm your friend too. I want to be here for you and I think I'm a decent listener. Plus I'm like the IRS; nobody gets anything out of me". I knew he thought he was very clever. Munch must have rubbed off on him just a little. "Fin, I know and I told you I'm not going to mess our partnership up any more than it is. You are not that different from me. I hardly know anything about what makes Fin tick. What you do on the weekend. We keep things close and it works for us".

Fin grabbed my arm, stood me up, and told me to grab my coat and purse. He waved to Olivia as we were walking out. I figured all I would be doing is sitting at the desk so I'd just follow him for now. Of course we wound up at the cop shrinks offices. He had set up an appointment for me. I looked at him enraged and was about to give him my thoughts. However, we were in the reception area and I didn't need to create a scene. He pushed me to check-in for me to let them know I was there. It wasn't the same person I had last time, this was a guy. Fin sent me back and said he'd be waiting for me in the reception. He held up a copy of Vogue and said he'd keep himself occupied.

The hour stretched out before me and I was angry that it had been done out of my control. I took a seat and went through the motions required of a psych eval. At the end of the time I expected him to sign the paper and send me off. Instead he looked at me and said he wanted to see me for additional sessions. Immediately I got defensive and demanded to know why he wouldn't clear me. "Amanda, you have come through the multitude of recent events much better than anyone would expect. However, before I can release you I have to be sure that you have worked through everything. You didn't share anything today that assures me that you have. I can give you a contingency release. So long as you continue coming to our scheduled appointments, and I can see progress, you can go back on duty. However, in order to give you a full clearance I will need to see you deal with things and not just shove them down". In this case I didn't have much choice. "Fine, as long as I can do my job." He told me the form would be sent over to my Sergeant and he had me set up another appointment.

I grudgingly walked out to the waiting area where Fin was. I shot hostile looks his way and said nothing. Once we were outside he smiled, "So how was it? You certifiable or is there hope"? I couldn't keep the hostility going, "Well you will have to put up with me as your partner again, but I have to come back and deal with this until he gives me a full clearance". Fin nodded his head, "I'm telling you Amanda, you have got to let things go or you will never get out of this grind you are in. You know what, Amaro is at the office, and he is Superman, so I'm sure he can handle whatever comes in. I already let Olivia know where we were. Let's go grab some lunch".

This was yet another fork in my road. I could share with Fin, which was obviously the point of this whole adventure, or I could pretend things were fine and have silly small talk. My brain had the sense to remind me I didn't want to go backwards. I chose to take yet another opportunity Fin was giving me. Trust him.


	9. Opening Up

Fin took me to some 'Fin Special Eating Establishment', over near his apartment again. It isn't a place most people would select by choice, but I was open to whatever. I was more worried about where the conversation would be going. First we ordered the food. I didn't have much of an appetite but Fin insisted I try the steak or some sandwich with a ton of meat on it. I went with the steak. Fin ordered a variety of food, clearly his appetite was intact.

Fin opened the conversation once the waitress was gone, "Amanda, I'm not trying to push you to open up your entire life to me. You gotta have someone you unload with. You have to know that going back to gambling was a result of all that stuff with your sister, getting shot, 'stupid hat guy', Cragen leaving. That is too much to deal with and pretend everything is ok. Tell me what happened with Lewis, start there."

Luckily the waitress arrived with our drinks and I had a minute reprieve. "You know what happened Fin, it is in the report that I gave right afterward. The first hour we were in the room with the three of us without much happening. I finally got Lewis out of the room so that Olivia could get free, and get us out of there. He'd cuffed me to the bed and enjoyed stabbing me with scissors, the screwdriver, and he choked me. That was it before Olivia came in and hammered him."

Fin nodded, he had that same look I'd seen a thousand times and followed it up with pushing me, "Amanda, I know that stuff. I'm asking you what you were going through, how you are dealing with it? I know it had to be traumatic, and hard for you to put total trust in us getting you out. You took a huge risk that must have been hard for you"?

I nodded, "It wasn't easy, I knew you would all come through. I trust you all and know you'd put your life on the line for me, despite what I've done recently. I was really feeling I had to make sure Olivia got away. I felt responsible after the hell she had been through. I knew I had added weight to her burden and I wanted her to know that I can be trusted; I wouldn't let the team down. I owed her".

Fin started again, "ok, but how are **you** feeling? What went through your mind? It must have triggered some memories when you were with Lewis. I know how that is…after my tour in the Gulf it took a long time to not jump whenever I heard a gunshot. I was a ranger, then I was a cop, and I was vulnerable. At that time I wasn't ok with it, but I want you to know that I was living with it daily. I was drinking, out taking risks. I lost my marriage, alienated my son, all because I couldn't deal with things. I took every chance to work overtime; I chose to go undercover and knew it would distance me from my family. To this day I can't make it up to my son. Don't lose any more. I'm here and you know me. I don't want to be pushing you; I haven't gone digging into your past like SuperMaro did. He means well, but I prefer to let you decide what and when to share. This time I can't do that. You need someone to listen and I need a partner. I don't think I could handle being with Amaro all the time. He's a good guy, but man you can't get him to deviate from his Amaro track. And I sure don't want some new person that I gotta train and deal with. You don't get someone like you or a Munch too often".

I smiled; Fin didn't give direct compliments often. I could sense he had given me a huge opening and we could get back to the tight partnership we had before. I had to take a leap and go outside of my comfort zone. Fin, the guy that didn't ever reveal much, wanted me to start dumping out feelings. Strange thing about feelings…I didn't always know how to feel them. I figured that was a good place to start. "Fin, you are the best partner I could have. I started out with a load of shit and you just kept supporting me, fighting for me. I do have faith that you are there for me and would take a bullet for me". He smiled at that, probably thinking of when I was shot by someone trying to get to him. "I'll be honest; I don't always know what I feel. I don't have a word to attach to what is going on inside. Of course I know when I'm afraid, like when I was alone with Lewis. I was sad when Kim turned on me. I knew anger when I sat in court and had Nate tell the world he'd be sleeping with other women when he was with me. I was embarrassed too, felt stupid that Amaro was right, again, and my pride took a beating".

Our food came at this point so we started to eat and things were quiet for a while. I figured it was on me to keep sharing, that was the point of this. "When I was growin up in Georgia, Kim and I didn't have a mama we could go cry to if someone was mean at school. If I got a good grade Kim was the one I told. We didn't get hugs or words to comfort us. It was the two of us and we were just in mama and daddy's way most of the time. Daddy liked to hurt mama when he was drunk or upset. I worked hard at showing nothing to anyone. Nobody cared and emotion was just weakness that got used against you. One time, when I was maybe eight, I was crying out on the porch and my mama came up to me, called me a crybaby and swatted my head. She didn't even bother to find out that I was crying because my cat died".

Long pause…"I'll try, I'll tell you what I can. I'm not trying to be difficult; it's just not how I grew up. I take care of me and I don't take a lot of time to think about things, I just try to fix them and move forward. However, you being my partner and a friend, I want to earn your trust again".

After we at a little more and I had put together my thoughts, I picked up the conversation again. "When I was with Lewis, after he took me away from Olivia, I had this stab of terror and wanted to go back in time and not enter the house. I kept thinking that what happened with the Deputy Chief was nothing compared to this. I wanted to beg him to stop and let me go. I wanted to be back in the room with Olivia, the comfort of her presence. Once I was handcuffed I felt sick, so sick I barely kept it in. Every nerve in my body was on edge, the pain was horrible, and I couldn't control the tears. I couldn't even look at him or I was afraid I would start to scream. I felt 10-years-old again. I felt a rare moment of complete loss of control. I don't know if I was more scared of not having control or the pain he would inflict. I couldn't even think about the possibility of him raping me. Fin, I don't know how Liv survived what she did. I was scared and powerless; I think I would have done anything he asked just to make it another minute…and not to hurt".

"Is that the stuff you want to hear? Is that what is suddenly going to save me from myself and keep me on the straight and narrow"?

"Amanda, yeah, that is a start. It is ok to be afraid, to cry, to be ready to beg for your life, to feel pain. There's not a person alive that wouldn't feel that way. But you can't pretend it didn't happen. Laying your burden on someone else can help. I know when my son was going through all that stuff; I couldn't have made it without you guys there with me every moment along the way. You took care of me so I could take care of him. Now I'm here to do that for you. Let it out".

I finally knew what he was telling me, not to just say the words, but he wanted me to let the actual emotion come out.

"Fin, we have been partners for a few years now and I don't know much about you. Our relationship has always respected that. I don't know what you do on your off time, if you have a girlfriend, about your family and siblings. I've met your son a couple of times….I know I brought my stuff into our work and partnership. For that I owe you explanations and you have the right to ask questions. I just have never done that before". I looked down at the food, I couldn't eat. I looked around the diner. It was so hard to share things that I never let out.

"Fin, I know I can trust you…but I don't want our conversations or what I tell you….I need it to stay here". Fin nodded, "do you even have to ask me to keep it to myself? I told you…IRS".

I started talking, not exactly sure what I was going to say, "I've made a lot of bad choices. I seem to fall off the right path over and over and I have to start all over again. I told you about Atlanta. I came up here and now twice gambling has almost taken everything. I think you know I don't talk to my family much? (Fin nodded) I never had a close relationship with any of them. Most of them are vultures, they take everything they can, never there no matter how much you need them. My mama, I think she wanted to be different". The entire time I was looking out the window next to us in the booth. Fiddling with my cup of water. I looked at Fin briefly and back out the window.

"Mama had it rough growing up. She ended up with my daddy when she got pregnant with me. He liked to hit her and scream a lot. When Kim was born I took it upon myself to protect her. I wanted to give her a normal life. Someone she could pick a flower for and I would smile, or if she fell I would hug her. When mama and daddy were fighting I'd take her outside to play. I got us to school, made sure we had food, cleaned our clothes. Mama spent most of her time smoking, drinking cocktails, or passed out. Daddy worked but he'd go out drinking and came home late, if at all. When I was with Lewis I wasn't thinking about my family, or worried I wouldn't see my mama again". I paused, briefly looked towards Fin and down to the cup. "I was thinking about you guys. I didn't want you to be disappointed that I couldn't defend myself. I was scared and it was my team that I went to in my mind for comfort. When I was with Olivia for that hour, I felt safe somehow. She gave me a sense of security I never had with my family".

"When I was in trouble this time with gambling you were the only one I wanted to talk to. I wanted to tell you everything". I smiled, looked up at him, I wanted you to go 'knock that hat off of Nate's head', and I wanted you to help get me out of the mess with the club and my debt. I was so low that I was willing to do things I never thought I would… because I was too proud to ask for help, and scared to lose my job". At this point a tear escaped, thinking of what I had done to try to save myself at the club with Murphy. I glanced at Fin, "I would have done anything to try to save my job, anything". It was the closest I could come to admitting how low I had been. Fin didn't say anything, but I didn't sense any judgment either.

"When I was growing up most of the kids around me were strung out, pregnant, drop-outs, or in jail. With luck, being stubborn, and some good teachers, I managed to not only graduate, but get a scholarship to college and even got my masters. I had to bury everything and walk away from everyone at home, even Kim, because I couldn't risk bringing any of that crap with me. Kim was still in school and I knew if I kept her with me I wouldn't be able to reach my goals". Now the tears were streaming, the guilt rose up and engulfed me. "I left Kim in that place knowing what it was like. I was selfish and wouldn't give up my dreams to save her. She is the way she is because I left her to fend for herself. She relied on me and I left". Fin gently took my hand, waited for me to look towards him, "Amanda, you did what you had to do. You can't keep that weight, Kim made her own choices. She is an adult and she was lucky to have you looking out for her. You didn't have anyone and you didn't end up like her. It's not your fault she's screwed up". I nodded even thought I still didn't feel that.

I was drained and didn't feel I could handle too much more. We'd finished our food and it had already been a few hours. Fin asked for the check, we paid, and got back in the car to head for the station.

"Thanks Fin, thank you for being one of the only people I can count on. And I want you to know I will pay you back the money you gave me. They kept it since it became part of the case. But I will get your money".

"Amanda, you never have to thank me for being a friend. I told you, I've got ya. Don't worry about the money. Stay away from that gambling stuff; don't make me get a new partner… that is what I want. I'm glad you are processing some of the bullshit, like I told you…it isn't easy and you feel weak, but you will get through it and you aren't weak. I still wake up with nightmares from things that happened in the army or on this job. Looking at little kids and the stuff that is done to them, I can't sleep sometimes with those images in my head. Or I think about my son and the mistakes I made. Anyway, I'm here".

"Thanks Fin". We got to the station and I had to put up my armor, I wasn't ready to wear my feelings on my sleeve, doubted I ever would. We walked in and there was a case ready for us to work on. Olivia and Nick didn't say much.


	10. Off the Desk

** I do not own or have the rights to any of these characters. **

After all that happened with Olivia and me when we were with Lewis there was a softening of the tension. Olivia called me into her office the day after my visit to the therapist. I assumed she was going to let me know she got the report and I was off of desk duty, as long as I followed-up on the therapy requirement. I walked into her office and she indicated I should close the door and take a seat.

"Amanda, I know you went to see the therapist and you are now cleared and off of desk duty. However, you must continue to attend sessions until I receive a report with a full release". I nodded my head that I understood. She continued to talk, "I want you to know that despite the things that have happened, and the fact that I was very close to removing you from this team, I know you are a good detective. You likely saved my life and I know you put yourself at sizeable risk. No matter what forces have driven you to make bad choices in your personal life, you are an asset. I think sometimes your ability to put yourself on the line, and take risks, is part of what leads you to make the choices that you do outside of here. If you want to stay on the force you are going to have to stop making those choices and stay on the straight path".

I again nodded my head. "Olivia, I know I owe you more than I can repay, and that the things I have done cannot be undone. I love my job, I love my team, and I am turning a corner, I want my job and I don't want that other life. I wish I could explain what drives me to gamble and get in so deep, but I can't".

Olivia interrupted at this point, "I think you and I both know some of what is behind it. I told you before that you need to take care of you and that you should talk to someone about everything that happened with your sister and even Nate. You can't have so many things happen in your life and expect it to go back to normal. I even remember you mentioned something happened in Atlanta, that it was part of why you transferred here. Have you ever talked to anyone about that"?

I looked up slightly, and shrugged. "Recently I talked about it with someone". I didn't mention that it was Fin. "It was a long time ago and seems so minor. I think you know that I don't open up and share… and going to this shrink is not easy. I like to handle my own problems and not put it all out there, especially to a stranger". Olivia was looking at me with the serious, concerned look she often had. I continued to talk, "I can't change what I did but I will make sure I work through it so I don't use gambling as my way of dealing with things again".

Olivia spoke again, "Amanda, we are an SVU squad; it seems you've been a victim yourself and yet you don't reach out and take the steps that we work to convince people to do daily. Don't you think it is time to stop feeling the shame, or whatever it is, and talk about it? You would tell anyone that was out there, and had been hurt, not to keep it a secret, to pursue justice. Maybe it is time for you to start doing that for yourself. I realize you do not see yourself as a victim, but you've been hurt a lot and my guess is that some of this is the result of abusive behavior by others, and not just your sister or Nate"?

I was fighting very hard not to let the tears break through. I was looking at something on the desk, keeping my eyes away from Olivia's. I felt like I did when I was the center of attention at a birthday party or giving a speech in college. I didn't know where to go from here. I knew I owed the team honesty and truth if I wanted their trust and respect. I decided I needed to tell Olivia at least what had happened in Atlanta. I told her the same thing I told Fin. I felt the heat in my face, and my brain was screaming to stop, this was mine to deal with. I ignored the internal scream.

When I finished I had not allowed myself to cry. I kept up my defenses and told it like I was reciting something that had happened to someone else. Once I was done there was silence. I looked up and saw Olivia was looking at me. "Amanda, you know what happened was not your responsibility and it was a criminal act, right? I'm sorry you weren't able to press charges. I know that isn't an easy thing to do, especially when you are a cop and the offender is another cop. Being a women in the force, and I can imagine it is even worse in some places, is tough. We have to prove ourselves in what is normally a boys club. We don't feel we can show weakness. However, we can't allow them to make it so we ignore things like rape. You were nearly raped and you should not have to pretend it didn't happen, even as a cop. I have had to work through that myself after Lewis. I felt like I let myself down, I still feel that way sometimes".

I nodded my head again, turned towards her, there was a break in my voice, "when we were with Lewis, I froze. When he took me in that other room I couldn't fight. I was terrified and would have done anything at that moment. I feel sick when I think about that. I'm supposed to be out there taking care of people and protecting them and I froze". A tear streamed down my cheek. "I had managed to stop thinking about what happened in Atlanta and it all came back. The only difference was this time I had the control of putting myself in the situation. But I still froze".

Olivia spoke, "you know as well as I do that we all have instincts that we need to follow…they tell us what is the most likely way to survive. You were fearless; you walked into that house and took on someone that anyone should have been afraid of. You don't think I was terrified both times? I'm just like you; I didn't want to show fear or weakness to the people around me. I haven't even told Cassidy about most of the things that happened. That is why I have to see the therapist; it is the only place I feel I can share openly right now".

I felt exhaustion, but also relief. I had finally talked about things that had been bottled up inside of me. I needed someone that I could share with and not have to act as if it didn't matter, like I was steel. I knew I had that with Olivia in this moment. We had never bonded, never become friends. After the past weeks I had pretty much shredded even the limited respect she might have once had for me. Somehow she was still able to use that same compassion she had for all of the victims we talked to every day, with me. Despite my failures, and the damage I had done, she was able to get me to open up and feel ok about it. She was gifted and had an ability to reassure, she made me feel almost comfortable sharing.

"Olivia, I know things aren't ok between us, and I have a long way to go to earn my place here. I need you to know that I have the utmost respect and admiration for you. I want to put this behind me. I've never felt that I could tell anyone about a lot of stuff. I have to be strong and take care of myself. I'm sorry about some of the things I've said in the past. I know you were trying to help".

She looked at me, nodded and said "I know".

She told me that was what she needed to tell me, that I was officially off of desk duty, "for now", and I needed to see the therapist until he cleared me… or "I would be facing a lot of trouble". I told her that I understood and thanked her. I got up and walked out of the office.

A couple of weeks later…

We all knew that Olivia was only a temporary leader and that at some point they would probably bring someone in that had a higher rank to fill the Captain's office. I still felt that Olivia wanted to be back in her old role. But I think it was a shock to all of us when we found out they had brought someone in to replace Captain Cragen. Olivia called us all into her office and informed us that the new guy would be starting the next day. She looked at me and stated that "Rollins has already worked with him", his name is Lieutenant Murphy. My entire body froze and all I could do was stand there speechless. I tried to recover quickly; none of them knew the dirty details of my interaction with Murphy. They just thought I'd been caught illegally gambling and worked undercover for him once I was busted.

Fin and Amaro grumbled and started asking why and who the heck was he anyway to walk in and take over SVU? Fin always hated change, so it was to be expected he would cry about it. Amaro didn't seem to sit well with the idea well either. At that point I remembered that he also had a run-in with Murphy. I almost smiled at that thought. It wasn't as bad to have hit your new boss as to have been at the point that I was at, but it still had some kind of charm to it. Olivia told us all to keep the griping to a minimum, act like adults and she looked at Fin and said "and accept change". We all walked out of the office in various states of unrest.

Fin's parting comment to Olivia was that, "I didn't like it when they moved my desk, now you want some new guy coming in telling us how to do our jobs? I don't like it, you were supposed to be the Cap and bust our chops". Olivia smiled and told Fin, "I'm sure you've said that every time you had a new Captain, and as I recall with each new partner, somehow you always manage". Amaro and I laughed and we all went back to our desks.

Now the dread was lingering over me. I couldn't even imagine having to walk in the next day and interact with Lieutenant Murphy as my boss. The voice in my head started pushing me to run, not to deal with it. I felt the urge to lose myself, gambling had always given that to me…I lost myself in the cards.


End file.
